I'm honored to participate in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, coordinated and hosted by Heather at Production Not Reproduction. My interview partner is Muzik, who blogs at The Not So Secret Life of an Adoptee - go and read her stuff. She's funny and thoughtful and articulate, and so open and clear that I had trouble coming up with interview questions for her that she hadn't already answered on her blog!
Here's my half of the interview.
Here's my half of the interview.
Muzik: I must say, I love the "Conversations With My Daughter" posts.
How do you think as a mother that seems rather open with your child
will benefit your child's future? What do you think happens when parents
do not have conversations with their children?
Jay: I am also the daughter of a mother who spoke openly about sex, so I can tell you how that open-ness benefited me. I grew up thinking of sex as something meaningful, enjoyable and important, but not dirty or shameful. That's what I'm hoping Eve will get from us. I know so many people who had only the basic mechanical "facts of life" talk from their parents, and it seems to me that they are taken by surprise by their own desires, and often ashamed of themselves for simply being human. And then there's the revolutionary idea that sex is something that can - and should! - be discussed. That in and of itself is important - how do you have a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship without talking about it?
It's more than talking to our children; it's also listening to them, and I hope I'm doing that, too.
Jay: I am also the daughter of a mother who spoke openly about sex, so I can tell you how that open-ness benefited me. I grew up thinking of sex as something meaningful, enjoyable and important, but not dirty or shameful. That's what I'm hoping Eve will get from us. I know so many people who had only the basic mechanical "facts of life" talk from their parents, and it seems to me that they are taken by surprise by their own desires, and often ashamed of themselves for simply being human. And then there's the revolutionary idea that sex is something that can - and should! - be discussed. That in and of itself is important - how do you have a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship without talking about it?
It's more than talking to our children; it's also listening to them, and I hope I'm doing that, too.
Muzik: After
reading "What is the best age to have a baby", as a mother, do you feel
that parents are at fault in teenage pregnancy? What can parents do to
educate their child on sex, pregnancy, and STD's?
Jay: I don't think it's always a terrible thing when teenagers have babies. For one thing, there's a huge difference between 18/19 and 14/15, so we can't lump them all together. And no, I don't think parents are at fault, not globally - every family is different and every situation is unique. I do think that when very young teenagers (under 15) are having sex, it's often a reaction to difficult situations at home, but that's not to blame their parents - we all need better support than we usual get from our communities.
That said, I do think we have an impact on our kid's choices - at the very least, we can provide them with access to birth control. When Eve's in high school, I intend to stock the bathroom closet with condoms and tell her I'll check and replace them, and she can tell her friends they're available. When I practiced primary care, I kept condoms in my coat pocket to give to patients.
We can give them information both directly (by talking to them) and indirectly (by having reading material accessible at home and pointing them to reliable Internet resources, like Scarleteen.com). If we're lucky, we can offer them models of loving and respectful relationships in our own lives. We can let them know that we will love and support them no matter what. And we can make sure they have other adults they can talk to when necessary, because no matter how good we are, they will not always be able to come to us. We can remember, always, that it's not about us.
Jay: I don't think it's always a terrible thing when teenagers have babies. For one thing, there's a huge difference between 18/19 and 14/15, so we can't lump them all together. And no, I don't think parents are at fault, not globally - every family is different and every situation is unique. I do think that when very young teenagers (under 15) are having sex, it's often a reaction to difficult situations at home, but that's not to blame their parents - we all need better support than we usual get from our communities.
That said, I do think we have an impact on our kid's choices - at the very least, we can provide them with access to birth control. When Eve's in high school, I intend to stock the bathroom closet with condoms and tell her I'll check and replace them, and she can tell her friends they're available. When I practiced primary care, I kept condoms in my coat pocket to give to patients.
We can give them information both directly (by talking to them) and indirectly (by having reading material accessible at home and pointing them to reliable Internet resources, like Scarleteen.com). If we're lucky, we can offer them models of loving and respectful relationships in our own lives. We can let them know that we will love and support them no matter what. And we can make sure they have other adults they can talk to when necessary, because no matter how good we are, they will not always be able to come to us. We can remember, always, that it's not about us.
Muzik: After reading In an Adoptee's Words, how do you feel about adoptees searching for their birth parents? How do you feel about adoptive parents objecting to it?
Jay: I'm kind of evangelical about open adoption and searching. I think it's normal and natural and kind of inevitable that adoptees will want to search, and I really hate that searching is necessary at all - you should have that information available to you from the beginning. Your own origins should never, ever be kept from you. Whether or not adoptive families actually pursue a ongoing relationship with their kid's biological relatives (and I think we should, but I know it doesn't always happen), we owe it to our children to make connection possible when the children need it. Not when they ask, because they may not ask - and they certainly won't ask if they think it's going to alienate us.
So I guess that's how I feel about adoptive parents objecting: they shouldn't. If adoptive parents are anxious and afraid, they need to deal with those emotions some other way, and support their kids in the search. Intellectually, I can understand why adoptive parents object. Emotionally, I have trouble accepting that response.
Jay: I'm kind of evangelical about open adoption and searching. I think it's normal and natural and kind of inevitable that adoptees will want to search, and I really hate that searching is necessary at all - you should have that information available to you from the beginning. Your own origins should never, ever be kept from you. Whether or not adoptive families actually pursue a ongoing relationship with their kid's biological relatives (and I think we should, but I know it doesn't always happen), we owe it to our children to make connection possible when the children need it. Not when they ask, because they may not ask - and they certainly won't ask if they think it's going to alienate us.
So I guess that's how I feel about adoptive parents objecting: they shouldn't. If adoptive parents are anxious and afraid, they need to deal with those emotions some other way, and support their kids in the search. Intellectually, I can understand why adoptive parents object. Emotionally, I have trouble accepting that response.
Muzik: Your blog post Conversations With My Daughter remind me of my blog. It's the out loud conversations I love.
Jay: Me, too! That's what I really like about blogging - it's an ongoing conversation, and you meet the best people! Ooops, sorry, that wasn't a question, was it?
Jay: Me, too! That's what I really like about blogging - it's an ongoing conversation, and you meet the best people! Ooops, sorry, that wasn't a question, was it?
Muzik: After reading, Conversations With My Daughter,
what do you think is an adoptive mother's biggest fear about their
child searching for their
biological family? What can an adopted child do to calm the fears of
their parents to reassure them that they will never stop loving them?
Jay: I think you answered the question in your follow-up. Adoptive parents are afraid of losing their children - losing their love and losing our standing as their parents. That's the biggest fear - that if our children find their biological families, it will mean we're not "really" their parents, and we'll lose our role in their lives. I think it's an internalized oppression - it means that somewhere deep in our beings we do really believe that parenting is about biology, and that adoption is less than. In order to get past the fear, we have to fully claim our authenticity as real parents. We also have to give our kids more credit. They can love us all. Love isn't zero-sum. Our hearts are infinitely expandable, and there's room for more than one parent. If a child can love two parents, why not three? Why not four?
There are other real worries as well - it hurts to see our kids grieving. My daughter's biological father isn't open to any kind of contact, and she's deeply sad about that, and I hate seeing her cry. If I could protect her from that grief, I would do it - but stopping her from searching won't protect her. That pain is, unfortunately, part of her life story. My job - since I'm really her mother - is to help her bear it.
Your last question breaks my heart. It's not your job to reassure your parents. That's just not fair. It's our jobs as parents to manage our own fears, so that you can do what you want and need to do and trust that we'll be OK. I know it doesn't always work that way, but that's how it should be. I wish I could take that pain away from you and from parents who have those fears. All you can do as the adoptee is tell them the truth: that you will always love them, that they will always be your parents, that you have room in your heart for everyone - and that your need to search is not a sign that they failed, but a sign that they succeeded in raising a child who knows herself well enough to understand what she needs, and to go out and get it.
Jay: I think you answered the question in your follow-up. Adoptive parents are afraid of losing their children - losing their love and losing our standing as their parents. That's the biggest fear - that if our children find their biological families, it will mean we're not "really" their parents, and we'll lose our role in their lives. I think it's an internalized oppression - it means that somewhere deep in our beings we do really believe that parenting is about biology, and that adoption is less than. In order to get past the fear, we have to fully claim our authenticity as real parents. We also have to give our kids more credit. They can love us all. Love isn't zero-sum. Our hearts are infinitely expandable, and there's room for more than one parent. If a child can love two parents, why not three? Why not four?
There are other real worries as well - it hurts to see our kids grieving. My daughter's biological father isn't open to any kind of contact, and she's deeply sad about that, and I hate seeing her cry. If I could protect her from that grief, I would do it - but stopping her from searching won't protect her. That pain is, unfortunately, part of her life story. My job - since I'm really her mother - is to help her bear it.
Your last question breaks my heart. It's not your job to reassure your parents. That's just not fair. It's our jobs as parents to manage our own fears, so that you can do what you want and need to do and trust that we'll be OK. I know it doesn't always work that way, but that's how it should be. I wish I could take that pain away from you and from parents who have those fears. All you can do as the adoptee is tell them the truth: that you will always love them, that they will always be your parents, that you have room in your heart for everyone - and that your need to search is not a sign that they failed, but a sign that they succeeded in raising a child who knows herself well enough to understand what she needs, and to go out and get it.
Muzik: Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you. Keep the convos up with your daughter. We need more momma's like you!!
Jay: Thank you! You made me think, and I hope you get what you were hoping for from the answers. It's been great to be connected to you this way.
Jay: Thank you! You made me think, and I hope you get what you were hoping for from the answers. It's been great to be connected to you this way.
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